Name: Cat guys.
Is this a new band of superheroes? There seem to be more superheroes than people now. I get confused. Never fear. Cat guys have no special powers, unless you count the power to disregard gender norms.
I don’t. And frankly I don’t think that sounds like the basis for a very good movie. This has nothing to do with movies, OK? This is about men who love cats.
But men love dogs, surely? They are messier, bigger and more dangerous. Just like dogs are. I like what you did there. But no, that’s all changing. According to the Pet Food Manufacturer’s Association …
A group of companies lobbying to make themselves richer? They say they only want “a balanced regulatory environment”, but yes. Anyway, they say that there has been a 25% rise in cat ownership among men in the past year – that’s 1 million more men owning a cat.
Miaowzers! These guys have driven a 500,000 rise in the UK cat population, which now stands at 8m, compared with 8.5m dogs and 30-40m fish.
Is that the exchange rate? It takes up to five fish to reach the cuteness of a dog or a cat? I guess. “It’s wonderful to see that men are realising the huge benefits of pets with an increase in cat ownership in this sector,” says PFMA chief executive Michael Bellingham.
Does he always talk like that? I expect it’s how he got the job.
Wait a minute. This whole thing is a bit fishy. Are they really saying that 1 million men, or about 4% of all the men in Britain, became cat owners just last year? That is what they are saying.
And yet there are only 500,000 more actual cats? That’s right.
How do they explain that? They sort of don’t, really. Perhaps those 1 million men are all sharing one cat between two of them? Or maybe eccentric cat ladies – the previously favoured cat-owning archetype – have been culling some of theirs? Or giving them away to cat guys?
I have another theory. Perhaps the PFMA is more interested in attention-seeking than statistical robustness. That is also a possibility.
Do say: “Please, just once, can we have none of your paw-quality cat puns?”
Don’t say: “I think they’re quite amewsing.”